Lately, there’s been a lot of fearmongering from the woke left and mainstream science about climate change. For decades, one of the most prevalent and important questions in science has been “Is climate change even happening?” The obvious answer is no, but that isn’t the question we’re here to talk about today. That’s because if climate change is killing ecosystems and flooding oceans, there are some huge potential upsides to its occurrence.
One of the biggest climate-related talking points in recent memory has been this year’s Global Tipping Points Report, a summary from a conference of climate “scientists” discussing significant changes in the field. In this year’s report, they decided that humans have surpassed one of the biggest early “tipping points” by heating the planet’s oceans so much that coral reefs, which are specifically adapted to live in warm waters, have started to die. This is ridiculous, obviously, and is certainly a hoax from Big Green to destroy America’s precious fossil fuel industry. I mean, how could warm water corals die from the water being too warm? Just ridiculous.
Even if it were really happening, would losing the coral reefs even be that bad? What have the assclown coral, zest-skin eel, or the premillennialist seahorse ever done for you or I? Absolutely nothing! All of that space in the ocean is wasted on this DEI biodiversity crap when it could be used for things that actually help us, such as offshore drilling or dredge fishing. When you really start to think critically and do your own research on the subject, climate change doesn’t seem so bad after all.
Believers in climate change are constantly complaining about “rising sea levels,” “collapsing ice sheets,” and “worsening natural disasters.” If you spend even a few minutes using your brain, though, you’ll realize that none of this actually happens. The ice that’s supposedly melting is already in the ocean, so how is it going to magically raise the sea level by melting? Glaciers won’t displace any more water by melting; hell, ice is actually less dense than liquid water, so logically the sea levels should lower from melting ice caps. Even if the so-called climate scientists are right and this does happen, there would definitely be some upsides for humanity, and even for the environment.
I can already hear all of the climate sheep reading this and asking, “But what about Puerto Rico, New Orleans, and Houston?” All I’ve got to say is: What about ‘em? The people there chose to live in those low-lying beach areas. It’s not my job to help them with the natural disasters of their chosen home. Most of the cities in danger would be voting blue in the next election anyway, so it’s not exactly a huge loss. I, for one, can’t wait to get some beachfront property up here in Dallas.
Some may be worried about the polar bears and all of their little ice sheet houses melting away. However, just like the people of coastal America, those dumbass bears choose to live on those ice sheets. It’s not my fault that they’re dumb enough to build igloos on ground that can melt. Who cares about bears, anyway? Did you know that they’re some of the only predators that actively hunt humans when they’re given the chance? I heard once that you can’t even eat them, something about lead or whatever. They’re one of the only exceptions to “white is right.” Good riddance to those bastards. I wish it would’ve happened sooner.
When the climate change hoax is brought up, people will inevitably mention “deforestation.” So-called experts think that clearing out a few million square miles of big trees full of bugs and frogs to make room for cattle lots and palm oil plantations is going to have some kind of negative impact on our planet. That’s just crazy, right? How can it be harmful for wildlife if we’re making more animals and plants? You may have heard them bitch about how animals such as orangutans are having their habitats destroyed, but when you do your own research, you’ll see that orangutans are basically just short, dumb humans. Even worse, they’re freeloading gingers who live in trees and don’t pay taxes. I think the obvious solution is to kill two birds with one stone: set them up with jobs on the plantations that will replace their forest homes and then allow them to live on that land as long as they keep farming it for us. We might even choose to share our crops with them, within reason.
Just imagine how beautiful the world will be if climate change turns out to be real. An oil executive in Australia can look down from his rig whenever he wants and see the bleached remnants of the Great Barrier Reef; an insurance adjuster in Houston can get a massive commission while sitting on his yacht; the good people of Svalbard won’t have to worry about the polar bear epidemic threatening their children; and a businessman in Sumatra can sit on the deck of his beautiful home as he watches his formerly lazy orangutan friends perform manual labor for him under an oppressive system of quasi-slavery. If science isn’t lying this time, then I think we have a pretty sweet future on our hands.
