It is evident that the United States of America is the best country in the world. Any country that is not America is a clear threat, so easily comparing a country’s Americanness is necessary so that the biggest threats can be identified. This can be achieved through an American Index, similar to other existing indices for the UK, Russia, Canada, and Mexico. These indices serve the double purpose of threat identification and pushing the boundaries of one-upping, allowing lesser nations to compare themselves and compete to become more like a developed nation. Combined with the Economic Freedom and Democracy Index, these country indices allow America to analyze threats to the nation, since the less similar a lesser country is to a developed nation, the greater a threat that country is. However, breaking with tradition of outsourcing all of our manual labour, we need an American Index. But what makes this great nation so great? Is it its propensity towards violence? The separation of church and state in the streets and lack thereof in the sheets? A bastard child of cultures and cuisine from all over the world, resulting in racism and foods not meant for this earth? A constant struggle between the rich and the poor that would make Karl Marx nut? In fact, it’s a combination of all of these, but the requirement of measurable statistics for the index limits its components.
There are various indices to look to when creating a country comparison index, with some being more immediately relevant than others. A notable example is the Freedom Decibel Index, which uses advanced measurement devices to measure the loudest “FREEDOM” shouted in a nation’s history. This combined with the amount of times “FREEDOM” is shouted gives a good idea of how much a country values freedom. However, this index is flawed in some key ways. “FREEDOM” is not always shouted in countries that value freedom, nor is the English language universal. Some countries that have had freedom fighters shout foreign things could theoretically value freedom as much as Scotland does. However, these countries would be limited by their poor choice of lingua franca. Therefore, when creating an index, the statistics used should be as universal as possible.
A more closely related index is the recently created Poor Oppression Index. While the factors that went into its creation were very shady — as a poor person myself, I could not afford the $1,000,000 price tag to download the methodology — from its results, we can decipher that the scale is universal and its 1-10 scale is easy to understand. Because thinly veiled oppression of the poor by at least one major political figure is required by a nation to be considered as being American, countries near the top of this list are strong candidates for top marks in the American Index, like the UK, India, and South Africa. While the spirit of this index is in the right place, the lack of transparency regarding its methodology prevents us from looking to it as a suitable example.
Next, there are the Communism, Economic Freedom, and Democracy Indices. These are similar to country indices without actually being country indices. While even looking at the Communism Index amounts to heresy, the arbitrary values and clear bias are good guiding principles for the creation of any Index. Similarly, the Economic Freedom “freedom” values are vague, and the Democracy Index’s experts are famously non-transparent, meaning that they are perfect studies. Obscuring the methodology to lend more legitimacy to a study is a generally great plan. Since this study is a classified document, though, we will be detailing the methodology.
Finally, there’s the UK Index. As per American tradition, we will be ripping off most of what was done in the UK Index, namely through finding universal statistics that embody America. However, most of the UK Index is non-applicable to the American Index, such as the relationship to the queen as well as amount of countries within the actual country. However, the UK Index serves as less of a threat indicator and more of a former British colony dick-measuring contest, and so is unaligned with the purposes of the American Index being created now.
What is required for the creation of the American Index? First, this index needs universal statistics that are American in nature. If a part of the Index is computed from statistics that aren’t universal, then countries with potential Americanism will be left out. However, this does not mean that all countries have Americanism in them, so it will be natural for some to be left out of the American Index. Their absence from the Index immediately place them with 0 Americanism, and thus prove the greatest threat to our country. Secondly, we need to encompass the entirety of America within these statistics so that we can accurately compare other countries specific aspects of Americanism separate from the Index so that we can have a comprehensive analysis of other nations. With this in mind, here are the parts of the American Index.
First is the Guns Per Capita of a nation. Besides Christianity, guns are the religion of America. Every man, woman, child, and baby should have ready access to a firearm through both legal and illegal means, whether it’s a Colt Single Action Army or a double-barrel full of buckshot. True Americans have bullets in their soul and gunpowder coursing through their veins. And so, instead of total guns in a country, guns per capita is used because there should be at least one gun for every person. It turns out that every country is severely lacking in this regard, as the United States is the only country with a guns per capita ≥ 1. It’s as if every other country in the world doesn’t understand the awesome power of the firearm, and fears it. Regardless, the gun is one of the main aspects of America, and so is the first part of the Index.
Tangentially related but equally important is the percent of the government budget spent on defense. America is one of the best war-mongering capitalist nations of the 21st century, and part of that is America’s excellent ability to justify the purchase of brand new shiny war toys and Social Security for boomers while ignoring pressing issues such as the opioid epidemic and extremely bloated healthcare prices. If a country is spending less on defense and spending it on ridiculous items such as “education” and “healthcare,” then it is not pursuing glorious combat with the enemy, regardless of whether there is an enemy or not. And if a country isn’t pursuing combat with the nebulous enemy for fame and re-election, then it is not American.
Following guns is the other big G factor of America: God. But how do we measure the religion of a country? Simple, the percentage of Christians in a nation. We are one nation under God, and the last time I checked, “Yahweh” and “Allah” don’t sound exactly the same as God, so none of that “Abrahamic” religion nonsense here. Any religion that isn’t some form of Christianity is heresy and Non-American. The First Amendment only applies to other forms of Christianity, and even then it took at least a century for America to realize that. Deus Vult.
Next is the McDonald’s count and obesity rate. America’s love of unhealthy foods come 3rd to both guns and God. From frying everything to incorporating bacon as a required food group, America should have died long ago when every citizen became too fat to move. However, due to losing weight via stress and being too poor to afford enough food to become too fat, the majority of Americans manage to stay obese, but not immobile. The quintessential American fast food restaurant globally is McDonald’s, and so the McDonald’s count is used as a generic fast food benchmark. The obesity rate is important to determine as if most of the country isn’t obese, it means that the fast food isn’t unhealthy enough, and therefore not American.
Then, the Index is multiplied by the Economic Freedom Index and Democracy Index. As previously mentioned, the two indices are arbitrary and vague in their production, making it perfectly nebulous enough to use in the American Index. Democracy and Capitalism are part of the core of America, and in keeping tradition with the great inventor Thomas Edison, we will repurpose the hard work done to create both indices and pass it off as our own work.
Finally, the Index is divided by the exchange rate to the dollar. I learned in my high school economics class that there is a natural rate of inflation, meaning that as time progresses the dollar will become more inflated. This means that any country with a hyper-inflated currency has clearly progressed further along the road of capitalism, and are therefore more American. This also has the effect of making the Index a fraction, therefore making it look smarter and more legitimate.
It would seem that the data confirms what we already know: no one is brave enough, capitalist enough, or stupid enough to live up to the standards of good ol’ fashioned Americanism. But why is this the case? Most of the other arbitrarily chosen countries have similar or better rates of defense spending, Christianity, Democracy, and obesity. 2 words: Food and Guns. As previously mentioned, the US is the only country to have a Guns Per Capita ≥ 1, while every other country is lacking so hard that they are actually losing by 1-2 magnitudes of 10, instantly kneecapping their chances at Americanism. The other most impactful statistic is actually the McDonald’s count in each nation. The United States of America has approximately 14,146 McDonald’s locations. Per the data in Chart 3, every other nation can only get up to the 1000s, another magnitude of 10 below the US. With these 2 stats so much higher in America, no other country can match up in terms of raw firepower and fast food based cholesterol.
Ultimately, all of these nations pose a threat to America. And while it is obvious that those that score low on the Index are major threats such as the communist China, Finland, and the Netherlands, countries that score higher on the Index are also threats. Anybody that gets too close to Americanism is a higher priority threat than those that are not American at all, because we know ourselves and we are a threat to modern society. Anything close to us also approaches being a threat to modern society, and so must be closely monitored. By this criteria the country formerly known as Commieland, the firestarters of WW1, and our neighbors to the North must be closely spied on by the NSA (National Security Agency), FBI (Federal Bureau of Investigation), CIA (Central Intelligence Agency), and more classified departments such as the FBII (Federal Bureau of International Instigation), CDA (Central Destabilization Agency), and NBA (National Basketball Association). On the terms of the Index however, it has successfully identified threats and showed us who is the most American of them all, which is unsurprisingly Russia. God Bless America.
Ben Nguyen (freshman |computer science)
Hat-wearer and American Culture Connoisseur. Has .556 in their soul and .308 gunpowder coursing through their veins.