Conservative Crisis? Get Canceled!
“Oh gee golly willikers! The over-educated commie liberals keep attack-helicoptering all over my eugenics blog, where I speak freely about my opinions that are very very good. What in the world is happening to our red-blooded American first amendment rights?!” – You, probably.
Fear not, my freedom-loving friend! While all the transed-gender cringe normies might be stripping you of your God-given freedom to agree with Hitler, all of your favorite conservative commentators and I have devised the perfect plan to make America great again!
What America needs is free speech martyrs – people willing to be crucified for their immensely logical and intelligent beliefs to show the masses how unfair life is for upper-middle class White Christians. Follow these simple steps, and you will single-handedly restore the US to its rightful glory.
Step 1: Speak Your Truth
In order to be attacked for your views, people need to know your views! The best places to stand on your soapbox are on big, commie social media sites like Twitter, where the snowflake hordes already hate that you think children belong in cages. Bonus points if you get called racist, homophobic, or sexist, and jackpot if you get your content removed for “violating community guidelines” – which is actually another way to say “knows too much.”
Step 2: Read Up On Your Rights
You need to know what the Constitution says if you ever want to beat back the woke moralist plague of today’s America. Now, I know actually sitting down and reading can be beneath someone as in-touch and intelligent as yourself. Since your multitudinous lexicon falls flat against the minds of the common sheeple, perhaps instead watch some PragerU videos so you learn to explain how that blue-haired pronouns banshee violated your rights in a way that the typical ignoramus understands.
Step 3: Stand Your Argumentative Ground
If there’s one thing the RINO’s (Republicans-in-name-only) in Congress want, it’s for us God-fearing real Americans to concede to the socialist antifa anarchists and their blue hare-brained schemes! Don’t ever give up your beliefs, no matter how many haters call you a bigot. In fact, that’s how you know it’s working!
Now, you’re allowed to apologize, but only to prove how mean and hyper-sensitive everyone else is and why you’re the real victim here. However, make sure that you’re apologizing because the simpletons feel the way they do about what you said; you’re still 100% completely correct in all of your opinions. Your highly logical left-brain personality proves that yes, God would want an AK-47 to get pregnant if it was possible, and no one else has any first amendment right to tell you otherwise, because that’s your first amendment right.
Step 4: Get Canceled
This is the moment you’ve been waiting for! You’re finally facing down the unfair horrible no-good censure of your free speech and you’re scared for your career and/or social life. It’s time for you to show the world how tragic it is to be conservative! After all, this is way worse than being disowned by your parents for being gay or being a woman and having to hold your keys like Wolverine on the way to your car at night. The more you thrash and whine and troll people into engaging in hours-long Twitter debates with you, the more people will finally see that you’ve been right all along. In no time the world will right itself and hail you as its new king. Just remember, people need to see how hard this is for you! Maybe you’ll lose your job, or your one Black friend will stop talking to you, but it’ll all be worth it in the end.
Step 5: Call Upon the Holy Kingdom of God to Smite Your Foes and Send Them Straight to Super-Hell
As a successful free speech martyr, this is just one of your plethora of cool new perks! You also get a free Chick-Fil-A chicken sandwich every week and access to the funky room at the back of the bowling alley where the pins go before they get set up again. And, if you send a meager monthly subscription fee of $2,000 to AMP, you might even get an exclusive 1-on-1 interview with the ghost of Confederate General Robert E. Lee!
That’s all there is to it! The world may become your enemy, but if you keep fighting as you always have, you’ll find that an upstanding, gun-toting American like yourself will be vindicated in the end. Maybe they used to accuse you of having a much smaller penis than you definitely actually have, but now everyone will see how you saved the American people from their own tyrannical ways. Finally, you’ve created a perfect world for wealthy White gun-owning men and their sandwich/baby makers to fight White genocide with delectably pure sperm like yours. Way to pick yourself up by the bootstraps, champ!