I’ll be the first to say it; the childhood-vaccination-to-autism pipeline is old news. Clearly a scientific phenomenon this well-documented has no further need for discussion or deliberation. Take it from me, a fully immunized and fully autistic person. No matter what your peers, professors, and/or medical professionals tell you, there is no such thing as genetic inheritance and there are certainly no such things as neurotypes. These are all nonsense terms to distract you from what’s really cooking in those syringes — pure autism juice, baby. One minute I’m getting vaccinated for polio, the next minute I’m making “Warrior Cats” AMV’s in Windows Movie Maker. There’s no other explanation.
This is such an obvious fact that it’s a universal law at this point, but there’s one crucial possibility that we’re failing to consider. If they can fit autism into such a tiny vial of liquid, who’s to say they can’t fit other things? Microchips, perhaps? Oh, don’t be ridiculous, we can’t make microchips that small yet, silly! No, this is something even more significant than measly 5G tracking devices. They’re putting gender inside of those vials. Not hormones, I mean the essence of gender itself. Who knows how they managed it! All I know is that before the pandemic, I was a respectable person. An average, well-adjusted individual with numerous mental illnesses and physical ailments. Now I’m the same, except I’m transgender. This is unacceptable.
The scientific community will often respond to these claims by denying that correlation implies causation, and to that I say GET THOSE STATISTICS OUTTA HERE. Numbers and graphs are the work of the devil and have no place in the field of science. Science is about vibes. It’s about drive — power, even. Infographics are boring and tedious; anecdotal evidence is the only evidence that anyone cares about. That’s where we find answers to the big questions, like “Why did all of my friends come out as transgender over the course of the pandemic?” It’s because they got vaccinated, obviously! Even if they didn’t, they were in contact with vaccinated people at some point. In that scenario, it must’ve rubbed off on them. Coronavirus can be transmitted through physical contact, so it makes perfect sense that the vaccine for it (and by extension the transgenderization juice inside of the vaccine) would be too.
So, we’ve established that the coronavirus vaccine is responsible for an increase in transgender people. Truthfully, there’s nothing we can really do about that now. As soon as they pulled that needle out of your arm, your fate was sealed. I suppose that you could detransition, but why would you do that when you’ve been presented with a rare opportunity to win at gender? Oh, gender’s not a game, you say? To YOU, maybe. Everything’s a competition when you’re on the grind, including your identity. Now, how is gender competitive? And more importantly, how can you annihilate the competition and claim the rightful victory that is yours? Well, as I’m sure I don’t need to remind you, we live in a capitalist society. The free market giveth and the free market taketh away. In true neoliberal fashion, we need to allow a level of healthy competition and deregulation in the gender marketplace. It’s true that you don’t choose which gender you initially get — but worry not! You can simply buy and sell genders until you’re a certified gender broker! Redistributing gender wealth to the masses is an absurd plan; it’s too idealistic. Are we supposed to believe that people will still be motivated to participate in gender if everyone’s gender is equally acknowledged and supported? Think about feminism for a moment — most people think that feminism is cool, right? Well unfortunately for all of you commie snowflakes, feminism wouldn’t exist without misogyny. We NEED misogyny! It’s my right to choose if I want to be a misogynist or not — that’s what the American dream is built on! Therefore, it should also be my right to hoard as many genders as I want for whatever reason I want. The only way to insurmountably succeed is through gender monopoly. At the end of the day, you’ve gotta look out for YOU. After all, you worked hard for those genders! You deserve all of them no matter what you did to acquire them.
With all that in mind, it’s time to take note of which genders are hot and which ones are not so that you can properly diversify your gender investment portfolio. Take my vaccine-assigned gender for example, I’m agender. Not a bad gender by any means — it has a mysterious sort of ring to it — but we can do better. First, let’s address which genders you don’t necessarily need to invest in. Everyone knows about men and women, masculinity, femininity, blah-blah, whatever-whatever. I recently heard from a peer of an acquaintance of a coworker of a friend that their uncle’s dog got the covid vaccine and his gender became radioactive. Now THIS is what I’m talking about. If your gender doesn’t register on a Geiger counter, then don’t even talk to me. I’m not entirely sure if emitting radiation counts as a type of transition, but for the sake of posterity I’m including it as a form of gender-affirming care. Some get top surgery; others emit ionized particles. We’re all at different places on our journeys. Similarly, my mom’s friend got vaccinated and her gender duplicated itself. Once again, I’m not sure if mitosis counts as a form of transition, but for now I’m gonna say that it does. We haven’t quite figured out how this will impact the gender economy yet, but we CAN be certain that this will look good on your investment portfolio.
I could sit here all day listing off genders that are objectively cooler than mine or yours, but that won’t deposit those genders into your bank account. How are you supposed to get more genders!? It was difficult enough getting this one! That’s where my proposal for a gender stock market comes in. If there’s one thing people love, it’s stonks. All the blood, sweat, and tears from the daily grind are for the sake of making that funny arrow go up. When making plans to hoard gender wealth, stock trading is where it’s at. If we can pool our resources together and create a Wall Street for genders, then I think all our vaccination-transgenderization problems would be solved. No more jealousy over your friend getting injected with a cooler gender than you. Simply become a shareholder in their gender! Or better yet just buy their gender altogether! When the inevitable apocalypse happens and you have a stockpile of genders in your remote, subterranean fallout shelter located in rural Wyoming, you’ll thank me. They’ll sustain you through the nuclear winter.
We may not control the cards that we’re dealt in life, or the various things that Big Pharma injects into our bloodstreams, but we CAN control how far we pull our bootstraps up. Upward mobility is real and if it doesn’t happen naturally then you can hold your destiny at gunpoint and make it happen. If your newly realized transgender identity gives you an awareness of systemic injustices that are baked into our political and economic systems, then you might feel a little intimidated. It’s a daunting world out there, and you have a fresh target painted on your back! Clearly, the answer is not to stand in solidarity with your community and use direct action to implement meaningful change. No, the lesson to take away from this is that anarcho-capitalism is the only answer. You are a force of gender and nature. You must train, fight, and above all else, WIN!