Aries: Looking for a guy that’s out of this world? Maybe he’s already in your orbit… (hint: he’s tall, ginger, and his name starts with t and ends in moc)

Taurus: Well someone’s going to be lucky in love this month! Time to redownload those dating apps, because your statistical chances of finding someone to spend Valentine’s Day with are up by 23.8 percent!

Gemini: Maybe you should work on yourself a bit more. Have you checked out the Student Counseling Center?

Cancer: An old flame is going to come back into your life this month— make sure to snuff it out! You don’t have time for toxic exes right now. 

Leo: You will meet your soulmate on February 11th at 4pm at the coffee shop in the library basement. Also, you should try the lavender latte. Trust us.

Virgo: You’re scared that you’re never going to find someone. Consider learning to be content with yourself, or making a pact with your best friend to get married if you’re both still single in fifteen years.

Libra: What does any of this matter in the grand scale of the cosmos anyway? What impact can any singular human being truly have in the vast emptiness of space? The Earth will keep turning and we will keep drifting regardless. What do you truly have to lose? Just ask them out!

Scorpio: You’re worrying about the wrong Fs! You should spend less time socializing and more time studying. There’s nothing sexier than a passing GPA.

Sagittarius: You want someone to notice you, so shake things up a little! Try dyeing your hair, getting a new pair of glasses, or transforming into a sentient bird of prey.

Capricorn: Set aside your anti-consumerism crusade for a couple of days and indulge yourself. A little heart-shaped candy never hurt anyone.

Aquarius: Repeat after me: Fire signs are not worth my time. Fire signs are not worth my time. Fire signs majoring in computer science are NEVER, EVER WORTH MY TIME.

Pisces: Stop taking dating advice from Reddit, and start taking it from student-run opinion and satire magazines!