Aries: The stars have gifted you with newfound financial expertise! Invest everything in crypto.
Taurus: Someone you now’s got it out for you, which is why your stint with the local mob boss is finally going to pay off.
Gemini: Yuo’re gniog too fsat. I’m miakng you solw down. Tkae a deep baerth…There. Isn’t that better?
Cancer: I know you wanna call them. Don’t do it. It’s not gonna help. I promise. Just keep on babygirlin’, I believe in you.
Leo: Take a nice, long look at yourself in the mirror. Y’know, as a treat. Do a funny face while you’re at it. Haha, now you look stupid.
Virgo: Alright, you got what you wanted. You had your fun. Happy now? …No? Oh, uh. Well. I’m, er, sorry to hear that… I’m just gonna— I’m gonna go now. Yeah.
Libra: The stars are telling me that everything in your life is falling apart. Everything except your new interest in professional bagpiping. That part’s looing fantastic.
Scorpio: Someone’s gonna rip your heart out this month, but you’re gonna be, like, so slay about it. Just a total (#genderneutral) #girlboss.
Sagittarius: It’s a good time to enjoy the little things. Call your ex.
Capricorn: When was the last time you went outside?
Aquarius: You know what? Screw it. DON’T be yourself. That’ll show ‘em.
Pisces: Social lives are for beta chumps. Switch your major to CS. Start a Destiny 2 addiction to seal the deal.