Aries: Exact cold, brutal revenge on your worst enemies this month. As a treat!
Taurus: Sometimes it’s okay to ritualistically sacrifice a Virgo.
Gemini: You’re going to spend too much time thinking about the many instances in which Bugs Bunny wears drag.
Cancer: Stop waiting around for life to send something your way! I mean, if you want. I’m not your mom.
Leo: Your ambitions will lead you to greatness, then become your downfall, before you ultimately end up finding enlightenment by making submarine sandwiches in a cave by yourself. They’re not the best, but they’re made with heart.
Virgo: Sometimes it’s okay to let yourself be ritualistically sacrificed by a Taurus.
Libra: There’s this super secret thing you’ve obviously never heard of where you lie down and stop being conscious for about eight to ten hours. Do that probably.
Scorpio: You’ve been charged with an epic quest of fantastical origins to save the world! No presh.
Sagittarius: The stars say to keep doing what you’re doing. I think they’re stupid, but it’s whatever.
Capricorn: Accompanying the end of the semester, the stars see a new start for you. As a gambler. You have a life-ruining gambling addiction now, and there’s nothing you can do about it.
Aquarius: The universe hates you this month. Have backup plans for whatever you do.
Pisces: Be extra responsible this month and burn your next bridge before you get to it.